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21 Feb 2014

Daily Ground – – -February 21

Baseball teaches us, or has taught most of us, how to deal with failure. We learn at a very young age that failure is the norm in baseball and, precisely because we have failed, we hold in high regard those who fail less often–those who hit safely in one out of three chance and become star players. I also find it fascinating that baseball, alone is sport, considers errors to be part of the game, part of its rigorous truth.–Francis T. Vincent, Commissioner of Baseball 1989-92.

I love baseball.  Some people think it is slow, but I love sitting and watching a game and actually having time to chat between pitches and innings. It is a summer game full of strategy and precision.  And errors!

What a great metaphor for life. Even if I master this thing called life – or anything in life – marriage, child rearing, career, schooling, the quest for peace – I will still fail at times. I’d venture to say most humans fail most times.  The beauty is – I keep getting up. I keep opening my heart after it has been broken. I keep trying to mend broken relationships.  I keep trying to keep friendships in tact in the midst of so much that is busy!

Spring Training has begun far away in the warmth.  I can’t wait until opening day. I will sit and route for my team – the O’s – the underdogs! I’ll watch them break records and do amazing things.  I’ll watch them commit a bunch of errors, and I’ll enjoy the game!

Peace.

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20 Feb 2014

Daily Ground – – – February 20

“If you are never scared, embarrassed, or hurt, it means you never take chances.” ~Julia Soul

I’m wondering if I take too many chances? I’ve often been scared, embarrassed or hurt!  However, I’ve also learned to be real with people and tell them when I feel these things.   Getting to the fear – the scared emotion is often more difficult.

Most of us – when scared – act out in all kinds of absurd ways.  I remember a tense time in my marriage. We moved back home from 2000 miles away to live in my mother’s small home with our two young children.  My husband hadn’t smoked for 7 years and I discovered he started smoking again.  I remember yelling and screaming and threatening divorce. I was scared. Scared I couldn’t control him which ultimately meant he could leave me. This thought did not come to me in a fight – it took some talking and discerning and praying.

Fear often is the thing that drives us. And if we are lucky enough to uncover this – we can change.  Fear of people figuring out I’m not perfect, fear of not being able to save someone or something, fear of not being seen or heard – all of these things tug at something deep inside and cause me (us) to do something. For me it’s usually something angry.  Which is bad. . . and good.  Since I’m really not an angry person, when I begin to get angry, I can stop and sit and figure out if I am angry. . .or afraid.  I can then act accordingly.. . . on a good day!

Peace.

Posted in Seeking | Leave a comment
19 Feb 2014
2 Comments

(Not the Usual) Daily Ground- – – February 19

I was driving alone in my car the other day and I had this ecstatic feeling of: “I love my kids and hubby!” It was amazing and forceful.  And followed by regret.  Regret because I’ve given so much of myself to them out of fear, and now I finally realize – they would have loved me anyway. I was so afraid the kids were going to turn out like me. I was so afraid they would experience the horrors of my childhood. Couldn’t I see they had different parents? I was so afraid the hubby would leave me – not see me – like countless others. Couldn’t I see he wasn’t that guy?

I hate labels, but I feel I’m going through. . . some midlife turmoil.  Not like a total crisis, but geez, is this all there is?  Why have I squandered so much time working, and so much freaking money on clothes and shoes to impress other people?

Now I sit here at 50, most of my family of origin dead; two siblings taken in their 50’s. And what do I do? WORK!!! For what?  Oh right – I got that perfect marriage and kids, mortgage in the suburbs, live in my car, and try to please everybody.

Worse than that, I know so much of what I’ve done is trying to repair a childhood that was very sub-par.  Having to fend for myself at a young age, I grew up wanting (needing) to take care of everyone else’s feelings in order to feel safe. Because no one saw me when I was young, I feel the need to see others; I take in strays. I am so ready to bust out of this place of pleasing others.  I am ready to claim my authentic self – ready to clean house.

So now what? Do I really just let go and see who is still standing when I’m finished? Just stop worrying so much of what others think? Do I claim the self that is finally ready to explode out of here, and truly stop living for so many others? Or do I continue? I can’t just walk away down the beach like the protagonist in an Anne Tyler novel.  That would hurt too badly.  I’m not even saying I want to do that! But – doesn’t anybody else want to at least have this conversation? By the looks of Facebook, all of my contemporaries are happy, happy, happy! And this is the way we connect with others these days – behind a computer screen. Can’t we just sit and talk about real things?

What’s real? What’s important? The regret comes from those who are still staring-standing right here with me. They would have loved me without the house and the clothes and the taking in of strays. I could have busted out of this facade long ago, and still had the people who mean most to me right here! I feel like I’ve created a monster. And even in this moment, I wonder who will disagree with me (possibly be angry)  if I click “post.” Only one way to find out. . .

Peace.

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18 Feb 2014

Daily Ground – – -February 18

The only way to win the rat race is to be a rat!

I don’t buy into the message of survival of the fittest.  Darwin also talked a lot about cooperation, but we don’t hear much about that.  Worst of all, in the US, survival of the fittest has everything to do with wealth. So if you have 1 million, 2 million is better.  From what I see, wealth also buys you a ton of misery.

I say this as someone who very much lives within this rat race (I don’t have millions!).  I have lots of stuff; too much stuff.  And still, I have that fist like feeling in my gut that tells me I’ll never have as much as you. I’m ready to get out of the rat race.  I figure either way I go, there will be pain.  I can continue in the race – working, working, working, collecting stuff, little time to enjoy those I love. Or I can simplify.  Get rid of stuff. Downsize.  Make choices that feed me spiritually.

There is no easy way out of this race, but bringing these thoughts to awareness, sharing them with spiritual friends and mentors, will certainly change the way I enter into the dialogue, and the stores.

Peace.

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17 Feb 2014

Daily Ground- – -February 17

Cast your ‘mind nets’ wide in order to gain perspective.

I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt in my early life. I was so broken and full of guilt and shame. I had no perspective in my life – I  was completely unable to create distance between my feelings and facts.

I remember a time when I had a rather ugly blemish on my face. It was one of those white heads that was ready to pop and looked angry. I was messing with it in the mirror, and I pulled back a bit from the mirror. Rather than just seeing the zit, my entire face came into focus. Unfortunately, I had no perspective. All I saw was the zit! I had become an ugly, angry zit – afraid to be seen.

This was during my darkest days; it was shortly before I began intentionally practicing a spiritual life. After months or maybe years of practicing mindfulness, I had another blemish on my face.  As I looked in the mirror I was reminded of the time I couldn’t get perspective.  The dark time in my life when my self-centeredness would allow a small blemish to ruin whole days. This day though, as I pulled back from the mirror and more of me came into view, I saw my entire self, with a small pimple on my chin.

Peace.

 

 

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16 Feb 2014

Daily Ground – – – February 16

What brings a person to the spiritual life?

I’d say suffering usually brings a person to the spiritual life. That’s what brought me. I was raised in a Catholic family. I always believed in God. There were rituals and devotions and prayers.  This, however, was not a spiritual life. My parents tried to teach me religion, but our household was chaotic and scary.

You can’t teach Spirit. You must practice it. You must live it. I am convinced my family – my parents – did the best they could. I needed more. I went to the desert of Utah in my 20’s. I discovered Spirit.  It was in a Catholic Church, but much different than what I was used to. It ways mystical, quiet, meditative, and accepting.

As the years have passed, I go in and out of different spiritual practices. I don’t leave one because I am angry or resentful. I pass on to other practices because I am called. I’m not afraid. God – Higher Power – Creator – is too big to be kept to just one practice. I feel comfortable in churches and church basements. I expereince God at the beach and the mountains and certainly in the inner cities.

Suffering brought me to seek. Suffering brought me to my knees.  Suffering taught me gratitude. Suffering brought me to the spiritual life. I will not run from suffering. I will see it, and I will accept the lessons in it.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Seeking, Uncategorized | Leave a comment
15 Feb 2014
2 Comments

Daily Ground – – – February 15

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

— Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

I read the above poem and I nod, and nod, and nod in agreement with each line. Knowing in my head, my heart, my soul that this is the way.  That fighting being human doesn’t work.  With each new day comes a different challenge or joy or surprise. This is life; this is learning.

And still because I am human, I struggle. I still fight it. I still try to control. I am still delusional that I can get my way if I try hard enough. If I throw a bigger tantrum.

Today, I will journey with those I love and those who love me. I will be with them and let them be with me – – – in the challenge, the joy and the surprise.  For it is only with others that I can do this thing called – being human. I will be open. I will have the intention to meet what ever feelings or thoughts come my way “at the door laughing, and invite them in.”

Peace.

Posted in acceptance, Attaining peace
14 Feb 2014

Daily Ground- – – February 14

Valentine’s Day is for romantics. Real love needs more than one day a year to last!

I once read that when you see a stranger across the room and you get dizzy and feel sick and you think that is love. . .it is really your body telling you to run!  Often those magnetic, intense first meetings are dangerous. Unfortunately  for you romantic types – the kind of relationships that usually last and grow are the ones often labeled “boring.” That’s right – two people meet, become friends, take things slow, realize there is something more, then decide to spend their life together.  That is the condensed version.

Fast forward 20 years – that’s difficult. Being together that long is difficult.   Not everyday, but somedays.  First of all – the person I met  20 years ago doesn’t exist anymore. Just like my 20 year ago self is completely gone (thank God)! So how can this commitment be anything but difficult. 

 On this Valentine’s Day, I don’t have any advice for those new romantic loves, but here are 3 things that can make your long term partnership more bearable: 1) don’t take things so personally, 2) let your partner “be,”  and 3) communicate, communicate, communicate.  No matter what the  problem may be, if you are committed to working on the relationship together, anything is possible. Happy Valentine’s Day or is it  Happy VD?

2-red-heart

Peace.

Posted in Love, Marriage | Leave a comment
13 Feb 2014

Daily Ground – – -February 13

“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~Erica Jong

Recently a dear, dear friend asked me what to do.  There was just a long silence between us; not the silence that is awkward, but the silence of knowing.  I knew I had nothing to offer her.  She knew in her heart what she must do.

I’m so happy to be okay with the silence. I’m grateful to have friends I’m so connected to that at times there are no need for words.  This doesn’t come from being polite. This comes from living out loud – speaking the truth – not being afraid  to say the wrong thing. I take risks with friendships.  I am real and vulnerable. When friendships like these last – there is such freedom and ease that I wonder why people would ever want to hide their true self.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace | Leave a comment
12 Feb 2014
2 Comments

Daily Ground – – – February 12

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!

That is if we allow ourselves to hear the truth.  For so long I stuffed my negative emotions – afraid that if I didn’t like someone or was angry that I was a bad person.  It was as if being on a spiritual journey meant always being compassionate and always being kind and loving.  It took me many years and a lot of pain to realize that I am human, and I have likes and dislikes.

There are people I just don’t enjoy being around.  There are some people I like being around for small doses, but do not want to live with them. I’ve learned it is okay to set boundaries. I try my best to set these boundaries with kindness, but at times others may feel as though I’ve hurt them.  Learning to live with the fact that I will not always be liked (or loved) by all has been a difficult, yet humbling lesson. It is a hard truth to swallow.  Sometimes my truth does indeed piss me off, and sometimes I’m the one doing the pissing off.  It’s all part of the journey.  Still – I’ll take truth.

Peace.

 

Posted in Attaining peace

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