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Archive for the category “Attaining peace”

29 Jan 2014
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Daily Ground – – -January 29

The longest journey is from my head to my heart.

I know a lot.  I still get stuck in the knowing instead of the living. I know that I should listen more and talk less. I know that often when I get angry or scared or frustrated, I have a tendency to run from those feelings. I run by talking. Passionately talking. This passionate talking can at times be mistaken for yelling or judging others.

I know that none of this stuff is very important stuff. It is simply something in me that comes up and makes me feel uncomfortable, and for some reason I can’t just sit with it. So recently I’ve been sitting with this in meditation, therefore it is in my awareness.  Now after I do my passionate talking/yelling, the awareness is in my face and it hurts! I walk away saying to myself, “What the heck did you do that for? Aren’t you trying to commit to listen more and talk less? Why can’t you control your actions?”

This is the first step in the incredibly long journey from my head to my heart. Awareness. Knowing does very little to change me. I need to practice.  I can’t think my way into right living. I have to live my way into right thinking.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Being still
22 Jan 2014
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Daily Ground – – -January 22

The more I write, the more I read.  I’ve recently stumbled upon several readings that could all be titled Letting Go.  I thought it may be nice to list a few things I have let go of rather than focusing on things I still need to let go of. So here is a list of 5 things I’ve let go of through faith and prayer and meditation.

1. I’ve let go of the social constructs of parenting.  It’s definitely not one size fits all.  My children are unique, and if I tried to parent them both the same way, the results would have been devastating.  I certainly didn’t intend to parent them in the same way our parents’ parented us – that was a long time ago in a very different world.

2. I’ve let go of the idea that just because I really love the city, I don’t necessarily need to sell my home (that will be paid off when I’m 65) in order to live closer to the city.  I can just drive there and hang out, and then drive back home.

3. I’ve let go of the idea that just because we can’t afford to put our children through college, it doesn’t mean we “don’t have anything for them!”  I said this out loud recently – “I feel so guilty that my kids have to take their own loans for college; I have nothing for them.” When I heard that, I was reminded that money isn’t everything. We’ve given them love, support, encouragement, and the freedom to be themselves. If we hadn’t given them those things – the money may not have mattered anyway.

4. I’ve let go of the idea that buying a new outfit will make me feel better.  It just doesn’t! Or it may for a moment, but if I don’t have the money, it makes me feel worse.  Even if I have the money, I eventually feel stupid for buying something I really do not need. My mantra lately is: “You have enough – wear what you have!”

5. I’ve let go of the idea that I am somehow responsible for your feelings. You are absolutely responsible for your feelings.   I can’t make you love me or anything else, and I can’t make you hate me or anything else – that is up to you.

Although I’ve let go, I’m still human, and feelings may still arise around some of these things now and again. For the most part however, I’ve changed some thinking and feelings around these things, so even when they arise, I’m able to pause, and with a whole lot of faith, and a little bit of luck. . .I let go . . . again.

Your turn! What is on your list?

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace
19 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 19

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” ― Mark Twain

Why are most people so afraid of death and dying? When my sister was gravely ill, I remember talking to  a friend one night, exclaiming through my tears, “I’m so afraid she’s going to die.” My friend remained silent listened to me cry for a few moments. She then replied, “She is going to die – we all are.”

We all die. So now what? Do we go through life trying to play it safe? Trying to control and protect ourselves and our loved ones?  That doesn’t sound like living to me. I try to live fully. For me that doesn’t mean jumping out of airplanes. It doesn’t mean going to every party out of obligation or because I might miss something if I’m not there.  If this is living to you – go for it – live!

For me it’s finally about listening to my heart. It’s about being present to people in front of me. It’s about sharing myself and my story unabashedly. It’s living so that when I die, people will say they truly knew me, and that I truly lived.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Dying and rising and tagged , , | Leave a comment
05 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – – January 5th

Life is both storm and calm, and the challenge of living is how to use the calm to endure the storm, not bypass it.” – – -Mark Nepo, from Seven Thousand Ways to Listen

The mom of a teen recently said to me, “Sometimes she is happy just because she is alive, and the next minute she is miserable just because. . .” I finished her sentence, “just because she is alive.”  Being alive takes us through our full range of emotions.  Once we have practiced being present to this full range or once we have been through enough darkness and come back into the light, we no longer have to fear these feelings.

Some people stumble through life giving the glory to other human beings for their happiness or blaming some poor schmuck for their problems.  Every life has calm and storm, maybe like the teen above, we don’t need an excuse to be happy or miserable, it is simply our human condition.

Can you simply be with your feelings today? Whether they are good or bad – can you simply observe and accept without judgement? Observing and accepting isn’t passive – it’s just stating the obvious because what you are observing is already happening – why not accept it and move on.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Being still, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , | Leave a comment
02 Jan 2014

January 2nd. . .

“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.”
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

I sit with patients in my office who often think there is a rule book to life and they don’t have access to it like everyone else does.  It seems natural to walk around comparing our insides with everyone else’s outside. “They have it all together! Why can’t I get it together!?” Freedom from suffering like this comes from simply sitting with what you do or don’t have. Mostly we are taken care of – it’s just our mind that causes the discomfort. Sitting with the feelings,  accepting what is right in front of you, and creating space from the feelings in order to get perspective will bring you some freedom from the fear and anxiety of not being/having enough.

When faced with this suggestion, patients will almost always go to the default of, “What will so and so think if I do this or don’t do that?” And there lies problem.  Why live your life based on what others think of you? Sit with yourself. Lean into your own heart. Do or don’t do according to what your heart needs. Let go.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Being still, Don't compare yourself to others, Uncategorized and tagged , , , | Leave a comment
01 Jan 2014

Beginnings

Beginnings don’t just come on January 1st or the first day of school, or your first day married, etc.  Beginnings can happen with each new breathe. If we allow it.  I am old enough to know that resolutions come and go, and if I truly want to change, it takes work, commitment, support, self-love, and lots of leaning into the pain that comes with change. I don’t need a special date for this, I can start anytime, and I often do,

I began writing everyday last year around this time.  Unfortunately it wasn’t on a blog; it was text messages sent to about 25 friends.  I get up in the morning, sit quietly, and try to have a conscious contact with God (Higher Power, Inner Peace, Universe, Spirit – insert whatever word you need here to get the point). This act has helped me be kinder on some days. It has helped me create space between my feelings and those of others, it has helped me get perspective on baffling situations and circumstances.  An added bonus is that a few of the receivers let me know it helps them some days too.

Because most daily prayer/reflection type of books begin on January 1st, I am choosing today to do something new.  This is also very scary, because I may not finish.  I may just complete today’s entry and no more.  But then again – maybe – just maybe – I’ll lean into the  pain that is commitment and discipline and actually start a new habit that is life-giving. Maybe I’ll simply do something everyday instead of thinking about the doing and getting side-tracked in the pain and judgment of not being enough.  I’m just jumping in . . .1. . . .2. . . 3:

January 1st:

Begin. . .

Begin doing nothing.  I dare you.  Take the challenge – do it today.  Just sit.  Set a timer for 5 minutes and watch what happens.  Don’t judge, don’t move – just sit.  When thoughts come – watch them – are they thoughts about the past? Are they thoughts about the future? Just watch them and come right back to now.

This may sound easy or it may sound excruciating.  I promise you – if you do this long enough or for many days in row – it will be both easy and excruciating. So often we get so attached to doing and doing and doing. Sometimes we are afraid to do nothing because we are then left with our human beingness – with our thoughts and feelings. We judge ourselves and we wonder how others will judge us if we just sit and feel.

Just for today – be a human being – not a human doing.

Peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Being still, Embrace Change, feeling uncomfortable, Human being - not human doing | Leave a comment
13 Oct 2013
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Peace returns to those who wait. . . and work for it.

I haven’t written on here since August 13th.  When I logged on tonight (at the subtle request of my husband), I was surprised  to see that I wrote on that date – it was my 50th birthday, and things have been looking up ever since!  After several years of emotional suffering, I had resigned myself to a life of darkness.  I wasn’t going to jump off a bridge, but I was certain that for me life was to be lived in fog – moving from extremes of deathly tired to super anxious.  I had accepted this. And then I turned 50.

August was tough – even worse than the usual darkness I had come to welcome since 2010. I was looking forward to turning 50 until I woke up in August realizing my mom wasn’t around to make me feel special on my birthday – I was a child without parents. A sister without my sister. Like most things – August 13th came and went – and I was reminded that it is usually the thinking about things that is much more difficult than actually living through them.

August came and went as well, and without any warning, like the suddenness of a thunder clap, I had the strangest sensation.  It was as if I was stuck with a hypodermic needle, I could literally feel the warmth enter into my body, mind, and soul.  I was at peace.  And since that day, I have felt peace in my body, mind, and soul each day.  Not every minute of everyday, but everyday at some point in the day.

As I was drowning in the darkness, I kept swimming for land, seeking a life preserver. I felt the need to connect even though I didn’t have the energy for meaningful human interaction most days. I began sending morning texts to a group of spiritual friends. This forced me to get up each morning with a purpose.  I had to send a text.  When I began this in January, I would usually read spiritual literature and send a quote from it.   Something shifted this summer – after I turned 50.

I wasn’t writing on here, but I was writing. In the mornings, I began creating more and more space for myself: space to read, space to meditate, space to pray, space to reflect, space to text. My texts began turning into thoughts of gratitude, stories of journey. Here are some snippets:

September 11th: Today is my 20th wedding anniversary It is miraculous that I have been loved so dearly after such a rocky start to my life. Relationships are difficult – not only marriages – but friendships, work relationships, families, etc. I’ve been blessed to have many spiritual tools to use in nurturing these relationships. It hasn’t always been easy, but it has always been worth it. My relationship with Jeff continues growing and changing. It is truly sacred and something I’ve grown to treasure each day. What are you thankful for today?

September 12th: As busy as I am this time of year – working many 12-hour days each week – I’m managing to crawl into bed each night grateful, at peace, and thanking God. I’m amazed that the darkness of the last few years is dissipating. I thank those who have simply loved me even when they didn’t know what to do or say. Like the moon reflecting the sun’s light – you all were reflecting God to me when I was too blinded by grief and anxiety to see.  The sun was too bright – I had to look to the moon, and there I found you reflecting God’s love. 

September 13th: As tired as I am, I am grateful to be tired from living and contributing to society instead of tired from killing myself with a destructive lifestyle. 

September 14th: Did you step outside yet today? Summer is begiining to give up her fight. I was amazed at the change from just one week ago. The sun – that massive ball of heat – seems so much lower in the sky. Everything looks and feels different in just one week. Whether or not you are happy about the changing seasons, can you be moved by these miraculous cycles? For me – it’s like looking at the majesty of the waves or the mountain – God is all over this stuff. It is hope and promise that all things must pass; that this moment is turly all we have. I can let change make me blue, or be filled with wonder. 

Oftentimes the pain of changing keeps us from even knowing we are transforming. Does a caterpillar know it is becoming a butterfly? Change often hurts, but if we hang in there and continue getting out of bed, continuing to be real with those we trust, we have a chance at transformation.  That is what happened to me when the grief loosened its grip on my throat. I was transformed, but hadn’t noticed what was happening – I was blinded by the pain.

I say this all came about without warning, but it didn’t come without work. I fought for it.  I didn’t simply try to get over the grief and darkness.  There is no getting over it.  I went through it, I hated it, I embraced it, I respected it, I fought it, I surrendered to it, I created space for it, and I let go of it. This isn’t to say that I don’t get sad, or mad, or anxious ever, but something has shifted. I created space, and I finally got a hold of some perspective. I used many tools – spiritual tools, professional therapists, and many friends.

Peace. Much peace.

Posted in Attaining peace, Dying and rising, Embrace Change, Seeking, Uncategorized, Working through grief and tagged , , , , , , ,

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