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Archive for the month “January, 2014”

21 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 21st

“But kids don’t stay with you if you do it right. It’s the one job where, the better you are, the more surely you won’t be needed in the long run.”
― Barbara Kingsolver, Pigs In Heaven

It’s tough being a kid.  I know many adults think kids have it easy: they don’t have many responsibilities or bills to pay. I think kids are under a lot of pressure. I believe it is because parents are under a lot of pressure. Parents want their kids to be the best – as opposed to simply letting their kid “be.”.  We push and push and lead them to believe they must always be busy, busy, busy – just like the parent.

Rather than parent – most parents want to control.  If you are a parent, teach your children early that the goal is for them to leave you! Tell them by the time they are 18 or 20,  they should be ready to get out of the house and away from you.  Yes – they should want that.  Even if it feels yucky for you – that is the goal.

I remember when my kids were still quite young – my mom lived with us – and it would drive her crazy that we let our kids dress how they wanted.  Winter boots in summer, rain coat in the sun, Easter dress to pre-school painting parties.  It drove my mom crazy because she was worried that people would think poorly of me – the way I was parenting. This is the worst reason for choosing what you let your child do or don’t do – expectations of others!

Letting our kids have freedoms like choosing what to wear worked most times. They were able to express themselves and learn to take initiative. I remember other parents commenting to us how young our kids were to get themselves dressed and ready for bed unprovoked.  Unfortunately they never wanted to sleep!

We didn’t do it perfectly, but I would say we did okay.  We “let go” a lot! Even when I struggled with disappointments, I rarely let them know.  And when I sat with what I thought was my disappointment in them or in their “performance,” I usually found buried under that feeling, some fear of not measuring up to those around me.  Mostly it had nothing to do with my children!

Peace.

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20 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 20

“We love the things we love for what they are.”
― Robert Frost

Do we? Do we love the things we love for what they are?  Or do we mostly want to change the things we love so they are easier to love. Now that I am old enough to have been in many significant long lasting relationships, I realize how truly difficult this is.  Most people I encounter complain about people they love.  What are they complaining about? That the person they love isn’t more like them!

I’m certainly not innocent in this.  The times I’m worried or upset about my love relationships are usually because the person isn’t acting or believing the same way that I act and believe.  So essentially – I really only want to love myself! Isn’t this why love is so difficult? We are loving another human being with strengths and growing edges that are different from our own.

Loving someone means not demanding they be like me.  When I try to shape my child, spouse, partner, or friend to be like me, I am only loving a mirror of myself. Being called to love difference is more difficult, and more rewarding.

Peace.

Posted in Embrace Change | Leave a comment
19 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 19

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” ― Mark Twain

Why are most people so afraid of death and dying? When my sister was gravely ill, I remember talking to  a friend one night, exclaiming through my tears, “I’m so afraid she’s going to die.” My friend remained silent listened to me cry for a few moments. She then replied, “She is going to die – we all are.”

We all die. So now what? Do we go through life trying to play it safe? Trying to control and protect ourselves and our loved ones?  That doesn’t sound like living to me. I try to live fully. For me that doesn’t mean jumping out of airplanes. It doesn’t mean going to every party out of obligation or because I might miss something if I’m not there.  If this is living to you – go for it – live!

For me it’s finally about listening to my heart. It’s about being present to people in front of me. It’s about sharing myself and my story unabashedly. It’s living so that when I die, people will say they truly knew me, and that I truly lived.

Peace.

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18 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 18

“If you haven’t yet, you will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”– Anne Lamott

My brother died 2 years ago today.  It was sudden. He was young. They say the first year after a loss is the most difficult, but after losing four of the six people in my family of origin within about 5 years, I’d say it just gets different. I haven’t found it gets eaiser. The first year it’s difficult to function and I find myself displaying misdirected anger at innocent folks in front  of me. It was difficult to sit still and just hurt for the pain felt as if it would kill me, so I ran in some robotic fashion that kept me at a safe distance from any real feeling.

The second year – I stop running so fast. This allows the pain to come.  Because of the distance from the wound, the pain doesn’t feel like it will kill me. It’s more the numbness of a migraine that subsides enough so you can finally open your eyes in the light. The dull pain is nagging, but you can sit upright and feed yourself. The missing – that is what gets worse.  The gnawing – that longing that something is missing.  Yup that’s the limp you learn to dance with.

Peace.

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17 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 17

For what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

-The Book of Micah, chapter 6, verse 8

Most of us feel the world requires more from us than the Lord does in the above quote from Micah.   The world requires us to work harder, get better jobs, accumulate more things, plan brilliant vacations, give our children the best device, wear brand names, keep up with the Jones’ etc., etc.  The pace of life certainly seems challenging. The above quote may seem simpler at first glance, but it truly is a tall order.

How do we reconcile living in the world and being just, kind, and humble to all human beings.  It’s easy to be just and kind  if someone votes for the same politician, practices the same faith tradition, and is in the same tax bracket, as you.  But when we see the person on the corner, poor and asking for money, it is fairly easy to say something derogatory, assume they are drug addicted, lazy, and part of the problem the party in power is creating.

None of us is perfect. Yes – it is easier to get along with those that look and smell like we do.  But I’ve found that being pushed and stretched to be with strangers (with other)  is truly the only way to grow spiritually. Ask your God for help with this. Have faith. It can happen. Today –  try to be kind to every soul you encounter – even if you do it 70% of the time.  The world will be a better place.

Peace.

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16 Jan 2014
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Daily Ground – – -January 16th

To truly listen is to risk being changed forever. “ Sa’k’ej Henderson

Truly listening is a skill.  I love to talk, but that does not mean I haven’t learned to listen.  I remember the days when I was afraid to be changed by human connection – when I couldn’t truly listen.  I would appear to be listening, but I was trying to figure out what you were going to say so I could have some profound response.  Driven by fear before I could be changed by connection.

A few years ago,  I attended a 4 day silent retreat. Some people were incredulous learning I was going – either remarking how they could never do this, or offering their opinions of how I couldn’t do it. It was pure gift. It makes one realize how often we use language to distract us. I would see someone, and want to say, “I love your hair, yoga pants, energy, etc.” Because it was a silent retreat, I was left with myself to ponder, “What is the importance of saying that?  To make others feel good? Is that my job? To make others like me? Am I really worried about that? ” This isn’t to say any of this is bad or good. What the silence provided was a slowing down of the automatic pilot that is usually in control. It put a stop to simply being driven to speak, and allowed me to discern.

The art of listening is becoming rare in the digital age.  I cannot pretend to be truly listening if I am checking my phone, or surfing the web.  Today, I will be open to being changed by truly listening. . .to you. . .to myself. . .to God. . .to whomever is in front of me.

Peace

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15 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 15th

At times all the spiritual life offers is kindness.  Isn’t that worth all of the practice?

Have you ever been resentful or angry at someone?  You  get fired up and create ugly scenarios in your head, and maybe even gripe to a trusted friend about how they have wronged you! But, when that person is in front of you – you simply smile, say hello, or offer a hug?

Left to my own devices, I would act out, be rude, ignore, or use sarcasm.  Through practicing mindfulness and loving kindness, I can feel compassion for each person I encounter. It is one danger of the digital society – it is more difficult to have compassion for a computer than a flesh and blood person. Pause before hitting send.

Practicing spiritual principles doesn’t guarantee that I won’t get angry or resentful. It doesn’t guarantee I won’t talk unkindly about someone . . .until they are in front of me.  Then the anger melts away.  When I feel compassion, I can then address concerns and work through problems.  When the person is only in my mind as opposed to right in front of me – they are  just a bunch of mind goo.  When I listen to my heart instead of my mind – things are much more peaceful . That is Sacred, that is God, that is Mystery.

Peace.

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14 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 14th

Have you ever seen someone who can’t bear to be uncomfortable.  I work with adolescents, so I see this up close.  Adolescents can’t even define their frustration, anger, and acting out behaviors as simply being uncomfortable, but that is all it is. Their bodies are betraying them, their hormones make them feel as if they can’t control emotions, and they are often forced to choose a life path before they can possibly know their passions and loves.

Most of us are uncomfortable, but we’ve grown and found coping skills that keep us from acting out like adolescents. It takes some people a long time to find healthy ways of coping with the difficulties of life; some people just don’t suffer well.

One of my hardest lessons has been to realize that I can’t change anyone. At times I believe it is my duty to tell someone “out of love” that they are headed down a bad path, but that doesn’t help. It’s as if controlling the other person will stop the pain of watching someone I love self-destruct. All I can control is taking care of myself.

Peace.

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13 Jan 2014

Daily Ground – – -January 13th

“Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.”

― Andy Rooney

There was a time in my life when pain was the touchstone to spiritual growth.  I had to be backed against the proverbial wall (wailing) before I would surrender and change.  Although I can still use pain as a lesson, I have learned to change and grow without being in agony. Often it comes from simply sitting: turning off the noise from the world, checking my motives through self examination, listening to spiritual friends, telling on myself, and trusting that all is well in the universe.

Don’t run from the pain of the climb, you will be amazed at what you find when you stop grimacing and get your stride.

Peace.

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12 Jan 2014
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Daily Ground – – -January 12th

Today I will trust God, Higher Power, Universe.  I will not look for God to physically come to me in some way that my ego needs. I will not ask God to heal the sick or raise the dead or change a traffic light from red to green.  Instead I will try to get away from ego in order to see the ordinary things and people present – in front of me – as spiritual gifts. I know there will be peace in this if I get out of the way and recognize blessings.  Today I aspire to see the ordinary as sacred.

Peace.

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